Grief and Growth

Have you ever grieved? If so, you know that grief is relentless, merciless, and grace-less. It hits hard and often there’s no warning. I hadn’t truly experienced grief until about two and a half years ago when I lost a dear friend unexpectedly. What I’ve learned since then is that when I feel grief, I need to stop whatever I’m doing, cry (honestly, more sobbing than crying), and then exhale and I can continue. You might be thinking, “Why such a reaction?”

This very question is what I’ve been thinking about and is another reason I decided not to blog last week. I was experiencing grief last week. I was torn regarding if I should blog while working through my grief. What do you think? Should I have? 

I felt it was better to wait until I had healed a bit and had some perspective. Emotions can be very deceiving and misleading. So, why was I grieving? It occured to me, after some deliberation, that it was loneliness.

I’ve realized that I do things differently than most people. I take on challenges and I have a drive and motivation that many people don’t seem to have. This is often brought to my attention when people constantly remark, “Oh I could never______.” Over my 50 years of life, that blank has been filled in by many activities, adventures, and decisions that I’ve found most people don’t have any desire to attempt. 

My first response is usually, “Sure you could!” But then I begin to feel a bit lonely. Most of my adventures I do with other people, but I initiate them or will take it to a level beyond most people’s limitations. This is in no way a criticism of other people. I just wanted to talk about how I feel and as I said, people frequently say to me, “I could never ______.”  

Often, I’m surprised by that kind of comment. Almost every single thing I’ve done, I did poorly when I started, but I just kept going and didn’t worry too much about what people thought or how ridiculous I looked.

I noticed the difference in my determination compared to those around me when I did my first (and only) 50k. To do the 50k (31 miles), you ran the entire course, 25k, then turned around and did it a second time. When I hit that mid-way point and had to turn around to do it a second time, I watched as most of the people who signed up to do the 50k decided to drop out then and there. They didn’t want to do the course a second time. I completely understand that, I had so much anxiety about doing it a second time, I definitely didn’t want to either. The difference was that I knew I had made the commitment to do it and I had also made the commitment to my running partner. Not only would I be quitting the race, but I would also be quitting on another person. It took me 11 hours to finish but it was the most fantastically-horrible thing I have ever done. Here’s an image of the elevation I had to run during that race.

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Another example of my mindset was when I took my daughters to Santa Monica to try trapeze lessons. For quite a while, we had supplemented their tangible birthday presents with family adventures. Trapeze lessons were a “gift” for my daughter’s 14th birthday. In order to “fly through the air with the greatest of ease,” (as the circus saying goes) you first must climb a ladder which takes you up to the platform. Here’s the catch: the ladder goes up to the same level as the top of the nearby ferris wheel. It was exhilarating and invigorating. Check my gallery for some photos.

Often when people would come to visit me, we would schedule lessons so that they could try it too. If I could afford it, I definitely would have it as a line item in my budget. I used to take lessons all the time and eventually made it to level 3: Beyond “heels off.” 

If you get the chance, I highly recommend trying it!

I have several more examples like going back to school at forty-eight-years-old for my second masters degree, teaching myself chemistry, or changing jobs to learn different careers. My chemistry knowledge was immensely helpful when COVID hit because I understood how germs move, grow, and die.

At this point in my life, as I step out of the herd of general experiences and into the nuanced areas I’m passionate about and driven towards, I know I want someone to partner with that says “I see you.” I just love a good conversation and I have them several times a week with my close friends. I really appreciate them, but discussing bodybuilding, especially at my age, is an area where there’s limited connection since very few people do it. 

Honestly, that’s why I started this blog. I wanted to be able to meet and invite people into a community of bodybuilders and like-minded thinkers. Even if you don’t think like me, but you’re interested in my way of life, or would like to become more adventurous, you’re welcome here. 

My question to you is have you ever grieved, not had depression or been sad, but grieved over a loss you felt? Tell me more.

Side Note: that grief from two years ago has healed. I heard a great and profound quote from Dr. Dharius Daniels of Change Church:

“You know you have healed when you remember the pain but don’t feel the hurt.” 

YES!!! Preach! That is exactly how I feel about it. If you haven’t heard him preach, I highly recommend it. He has several excellent series: House Fires, Beast Mode, Fire Starters. 

Personally, I loved “Can You Stand the Rain”

Let me know your thoughts!

On a different note, my precompetition process is coming along nicely. I have a surprise that I’ll share with you at the end of this week. But for now, the white fish meals are getting less horrible. Also, I love reset day, it’s nice to have a food break! I spend most of my reset meal eating red meat, since I miss that the most.

Thanks for being here. Thanks for reading!

Want to join me or learn to adventure more? Send me a message

Want to see more pictures of my adventures, check out my gallery page.